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I just learned about a new term today: Holy Envy.

It's when you feel jealous of other people's spiritual zeal. Their conviction. The way they can believe so thoroughly, so deeply, with their whole being, in something greater than themselves.

And I was thinking about it because while I do consider myself a spiritual person, at the same time… sometimes I feel like an outsider to my own heart. Like I can sense the passion, the zest, the knowing in there—but I keep it behind glass.

You know, like a “break in case of emergency” box.
But the emergency never arrives.

Because, really… the emergency is life. Living life is the whole damn purpose. Spirituality is a way to cope with life and walk through it with a little more reverence.

And I believe that—I do.
​But…there's also a part of me that thinks I’m full of shit for believing that.

Which has been both interesting and jarring to find out about myself. But it makes sense, I guess, since in my therapeutic exploits as of late, I’ve discovered that while most people have an inner critic, I have an inner skeptic.

His name is Lewis.

(Everyone, say “hi, Lewis!” 👋)

Lewis is wildly skeptical of anything that makes me feel alive. That spark? That passion? The magical ideas that light me up? Lewis thinks it’s all fake. All too much.

For example, I want to tell you the truth:
​That the moon taught me how to track my menstrual cycle.

And I mean that.

Before I was tracking my own rhythms, I was tracking hers.

I didn’t even start paying attention to my cycle until I was 24. I had already had a baby. Already was navigating the intensity of matrescence (that NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT, wtf?!). I missed years of my life, living surviving the disconnect between me and my body.

This body that was mimicking a sacred rhythm: rest, rise up, radiate, rinse and repeat. A body that I was so angry at because she couldn’t just get up and do the same thing day in and day out, like my husband, my brother, or even the sons I had birthed.

I didn’t catch on that my body was doing what The Moon was doing until I had literally been tracking the moon for like…2 years??

So when I say the Moon was my gateway, this is what I mean. She was my entry point to seeing that, despite growing up thinking that monthly bleeding was Eve’s Curse, it was actually evidence that I was the embodiment of feminine divinity itself.

I only started to love my own body and hold reverence for its capacity for creation and monthly blood magic (tell me that’s not what a period is! Tell me!!) because I had long established my reverence for The Moon and was able to see myself in her.

Also? The Moon wasn’t some omniscient Sky Daddy waiting to judge me. She was luminous and constantly changing. A glowing guide in the night sky who never rose the same way twice. Who was different every day but showed up regardless (even with clouds). There was a rhythm that she held space for — in herself, for Earth, and for all living things.

There was relief in that. There was companionship.

I’d go outside at night, look up at her, and exhale. I felt witnessed. Like maybe she was looking down at me thinking the same thing:

Here’s a human woman, she’s showing up, she’s a little different than she was yesterday, but there’s a heartbeat to her, a rhythm to her life.

And part of me loves this story. And another part of me wants to cringe so hard I fold into a ravioli.

Because Lewis is like, “that sounds unbelievable and absolutely woo as hell. Ew.” 🙄

And like… yeah. It does.
But that’s the thing—I love woo. I love other people’s woo. I have Holy Envy for people who can just go all in.

People who don’t have a Lewis living in their head, editing everything they say so they don’t sound cringe.

Like Megan Watterson, the author of Mary Magdalene Revealed—she talks about her spiritual experiences freely. Boldly. With so much presence. And I adore her for it.

It feels like a permission slip every time.

But then when I try to do the same?

Lewis pipes up.
👀 "Are you sure?"
🤨 "Is that real?"
🤔 "How do you know?"

It’s so easy for me to believe in other people’s divine experiences. I feel the truth vibrating in their stories.

But when it’s mine?

It feels like a secret.
Like if I say it out loud, Lewis will hear it…and tear it apart (which then feels like I’m being torn apart).

I don't have a solution for this yet except to keep showing up and keep allowing myself to be the most spiritually-in-touch version of myself…even if part of me is also cringing inside when I do it.

(To be cringe is to be free, is it not?)

God, even saying that makes me want to defend it. Give more context. Wrap it up in nuance.

(Hi again, Lewis.)

Why can’t I speak freely about the things that make life worth living?
Why can’t spirituality be beautiful and alive and real?

And most days, I believe it is.
And also—some days, Lewis wins and I let him take over the loudspeaker in my brain.

Some days I’m still torn between what I know and what I fear.

Hence: Holy Envy.

I don’t have all the answers yet. But I do know that reverence, rhythm, and rebellion can all coexist. And maybe—just maybe—that’s the beginning of real faith.

But that’s a newsletter for a different day.

​ ​ Go outside and look at the damn Moon. ​ Seriously. That’s it. ​ Set a timer if you need to—before Netflix eats your night or your group chat distracts you. Step outside. Look up. Observe her face. ​ Right now, she’s rising as a gorgeous little crescent in a cotton candy lavender sky, showing off while the sun slips below the horizon. It’s stunning. And more than that—it’s sacred. ​ Because how dare we try to exploit her magic without even knowing her? Without even looking at her? ​ Don’t just read about astrology. Be with it. Could you even find Leo in the sky if someone asked you to? (If not, no shame—but also… go try. That constellation’s out there.) ​ The Moon is part of a living, breathing world that you are not separate from. This is about presence. Not mindfulness™ in the Instagrammable way, but in the real, rooted, “where are your feet right now?” kind of way. ​ In a feeling the late summer air wrap around you kinda way. In a noticing the way the heat gives a shimmer to the sky, making the stars look like they’re twinkling kinda way. ​ This is reverence. This is relationship. This is rhythm. ​ We have been writing stories about the presence of the Moon for millennia. And when you go outside to simply stare up in wonder, you are participating in an ancestral practice of grounding, reverence, and awe. ​ The Moon shows up every night in a new outfit. The least you can do is notice. ​ So tonight, go outside. No apps. No agenda. No trying to “download a message from the cosmos.” ​ Just… look at her. 🌜 Tell her she’s beautiful. ✨ Then go inside and tell yourself the same. 🌻 ​ This is your ritual. This is your resistance. This is your reverence. ​ To be in awe is a sacred practice. ​ It’s good for your nervous system. It’s good for your spirit. And it costs you nothing but a few minutes of your evening. ​ Go. Look. Breathe. Wonder. ​ That’s it. ​

​

From Ash's Corner

I’ve conducted 7 of my anticipated 10 research calls and I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you for jumping on these calls with me. Thank you for honesty, intelligence, insight, and energy you’re placing upon me and this next era of my business.

I feel so blessed to have clients and supporters that not only engage with me as much as you do but are genuinely dope human beings that care as deeply about cultivating a life & sense of self that is deeply connected (and in service of) Spirit and community and each other. 🫶

Things are incubating over here and I’m SO EXCITED to start rolling out these ideas that you’ve collectively put your thumbprint on with your feedback and kind words.

I am still looking for 3 more research participants so if you’re down for a no-pitch call to hear what I’m working on, what I’m marinating, and what’s evolving for me (or how YOU’D like to see things evolve) — I would LOVE to hear from you!

I’m specifically looking for people who are (any OR all of these):

• Navigating a life shake-up or in a season of figuring who they are post-shake-up (burnout, break-ups, personal breakthroughs all count!)
• Wanting to prioritize more of THEMSELVES in their lives via spiritual self discovery and /or personal practices
• Rebuilding their sense of self-trust and confidence after something made them doubt themselves or stumble

If you know of anyone that fits this criteria – I love you forever if you forwarded them this email and invited them to book a research call with me!​

Thanks for reading!

In cosmic camaraderie,

​

P.O. Box 532, Cedar Springs, MI 49319
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